A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
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Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
This is a sub tweet
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.