going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
This headline is a thing of beauty
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.