You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
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Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.