[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
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Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.