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*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Awwwww shit.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.