*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Put this video in the Louvre
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”