ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
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[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Wise advice
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off