[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
January has been Januweary
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Damn what did I do next
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
How can I say no to this ?
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though