He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
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I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.