SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
You Might Also Like
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
rise and shine we got egg
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it