It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You Might Also Like
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware