I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K