“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
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“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Pizza is an emotion right?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months