Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
they split up moments later
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
‘I know a black person’
– White people
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.