Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
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Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.