I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
so, is there a mister shapen head
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
lol
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.