Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?