[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too