I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Note to self: I am a note
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I didn’t come here to be called names
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Practicing safe sax
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom