Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
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The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
not to brag, but mine was free
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.