I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
You Might Also Like
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.