My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
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The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
This is enough internet for the day.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.