me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
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[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
got so much cardio in today
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.