Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
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At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO