When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?