[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Breaking news:
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.