my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
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If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
TODAY
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
jesus christ confetti not now
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
you gotta be faster
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”