If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]