[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
what’s the point then??
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so