when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
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*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?