ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
You Might Also Like
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
We need more people like this.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Always a metermaid never a meter
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.