Everyone is awful in their own special way.
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Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.