Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
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everyone’s a critic
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Meeeee too!
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.