I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em