*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
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*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit