I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
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The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!