him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
You Might Also Like
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I can fix him.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Matt Goss
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.