A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes