Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
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One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
what’s really going on
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
The Book. The Movie.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful