6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
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[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.