Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
at ease…shoulder.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
A man of commitment.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”