Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
This kinda thing happens to me often
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Sell your car
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.