WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.