how much does a mortician urn in a year
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Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
This took me a second..
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.