Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
You Might Also Like
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
finally found a reasonable question
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy