I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
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Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.