Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
You Might Also Like
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
This kinda thing happens to me often
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
When I snag the last meatball.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
#Caturday
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.