me hitting on a model
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[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.