Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy