Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
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My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.